Iridescent strips of asphalt mimic the sky, or at least attempt to. Their mottled glimmers glisten in the newfound sun. As the foreboding clouds traverse on, they leave every surface moist and clean. The warmth softly dries wherever it brushes.
what we make of it all...
From my heart, to your screen. Read it, but don't try to figure it out. Let it sit.
6.27.2013
Stream of Consciousness Imagery 1-
It is dark. The Romeo and Juliet theme drones from the corner. The pressure is up high on the shower head. It is warm, the water, and it tingles- the air is very cold. The air conditioner is also up too high. Actually, so is the volume. Hello, Bon Iver. No, you can't make me love you if I don't. The soft but used towel feels safe against the draft. The vent is stuck open, otherwise it would be have been permanently shut months ago. Yes, Frank, night and day. Air conditioning is an unfortunate necessity. The bed is wet from dripping drops dripping all over the blanket. The sheets need to actually be put on the bed. This blanket needs to be washed. Everything in this room is a reminder of the past, even though most of it is new. It's a reminder of what used to be in that corner, on that table, out that window. In that alley. In this town. Nothing feels safe here. It's not even that there is cause for insecurity. It is that so much has happened here that makes a person vulnerable. How can anyone feel anything but insecure in a place of memory? Sounds follow everywhere, but they can be turned off. Smells can be left behind. Tastes avoided. But sights are still there when eyes are closed and places are inevitably returned to in memory. Memories can never be completely forgotten. Love never leaves and it stands the test of time even when it isn't desired.
-Wednesday, June 19, 2013
1010 South St.
-Wednesday, June 19, 2013
1010 South St.
3.06.2013
Urgation
Am I just fun to laugh with or am I likable?
Am I dateable is what I want to ask.
Or am I just another friend?
I want to be liked and like back.
To be friends and yet more.
Those relationships drive a person.
Am I dateable is what I want to ask.
Or am I just another friend?
I want to be liked and like back.
To be friends and yet more.
Those relationships drive a person.
2.04.2013
The Girl.
"The Girl"
I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.
While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl
When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work
While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl
And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.
While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl
When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work
While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl
And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.
The girl was me.
to forget
"Yes. Forever, yes."
I meant it. I'll never know if he did.
Does forever really meant that?
Did it then?
It meant forever to me, and now I'm struggling with it not being so.
Forever?
It can't really be promised
Forever.
The promise was empty
I took it for full
He was on a pedestal and I let hime stay there
He still is
"the best person I know"
Why do I have to misery in the possibility that he never loved me?
Why do I have to regret such a beautiful thing?
Past words haunt me now
To forget.
I meant it. I'll never know if he did.
Does forever really meant that?
Did it then?
It meant forever to me, and now I'm struggling with it not being so.
Forever?
It can't really be promised
Forever.
The promise was empty
I took it for full
He was on a pedestal and I let hime stay there
He still is
"the best person I know"
Why do I have to misery in the possibility that he never loved me?
Why do I have to regret such a beautiful thing?
Past words haunt me now
To forget.
1.07.2013
1/8/13
Will I live to see the third anniversary, the tenth? Will I always feel the same?
I pray not.
When the hearts
yearns, but for what is extinct
The mind goes on
as before
The body goes on
as it can
The soul remains
in the place where it was happiest.
In love was that
place
Now no longer,
but in love remains the dreaming.
Drowning in nonexistent
troubles and worries
That can never
be fulfilled.
The solution is
no longer possible,
So the mind must
find a way to disguise the pain.
Sleep remedies when
one is tired
But the hours
spent awake in the night,
Free from sleep
are the worst of them all.
Theses hours are
where memory is king
And reality its
pawn.
Movable, changeable,
unreal.
Struggling for
happiness
Desperate to
feel again.
Longing for a shadow
of that taste of joy
That is no
longer possible
Left behind in
a world that keeps moving
When all that is
wanted is solid ground.
It is never
spoken of, never addressed.
It is of the
past
They say
Move on
What they do not
understand is that for me it was real
And still is
He does not even
realize that
I am afriad of
never loving like that ever again
And am losing everything because of it.
I have nowhere
to turn, even to Him.
He may love me,
but I am not
worthy of it.
Love is not
supposed to make us feel worthless
dirty
unecessary
But love that is
cast aside is more painful than a knife to the throat,
for it is not
forgotten.
“Once one truly
loves, that is never lost to them.”
His words haunt
me now
If only he knew
the truth of them then.
If only I had
I would not have
allowed myself to fall so entirely.
I wish I could
say he lost me
And he is the
worst for it
But he left me
in ruins.
I cannot be as I
was
And no one would
want what I am now.
He may e happy
But he can never
make me happy again.
I hate wallowing
in my own misery
But it is not
misery.
It’s pain, hurt,
and love.
A romantic would
call it a broken heart.
I was once a romantic.
Now I wish the
word never existed.
To feel alive
again.
Really truly
alive and blissfully happy.
11.02.2012
A year later.
Praying for you tonight.
Hope you're doing well.
I realized I miss you.
Not the you you are now,
But the you that was mine.
We could have worked.
We would have made it,
if you hadn't left.
See, I'm proud of you,
For protecting our country,
But you left me behind when you did.
And now you're not the same you.
The you you are now loves her.
And that's great.
I'm happy for you.
I don't want you now.
I want you then.
Hope you're doing well.
I realized I miss you.
Not the you you are now,
But the you that was mine.
We could have worked.
We would have made it,
if you hadn't left.
See, I'm proud of you,
For protecting our country,
But you left me behind when you did.
And now you're not the same you.
The you you are now loves her.
And that's great.
I'm happy for you.
I don't want you now.
I want you then.
9.30.2012
Sincerity stream
She's careful not to flirt with anyone.
She's saving her heart for the one.
She feels lonely, tired, left out.
He flirts with any and every girl.
Treats them all like they're his shining star.
But he's really being the best he can be for each of them.
There are people who are affectionate to everyone, or no one.
Neither way is wrong or right
Just misunderstood.
There's something wrong about it all.
Harsh to let the good ones suffer.
The wrong ones are fine
not saying that anyone deserves to suffer,
but they do.
The people who are sincere are the ones who get hurt.
There's nowhere to hide if nothing is hidden
But hidden, you are all alone.
She's saving her heart for the one.
She feels lonely, tired, left out.
He flirts with any and every girl.
Treats them all like they're his shining star.
But he's really being the best he can be for each of them.
There are people who are affectionate to everyone, or no one.
Neither way is wrong or right
Just misunderstood.
There's something wrong about it all.
Harsh to let the good ones suffer.
The wrong ones are fine
not saying that anyone deserves to suffer,
but they do.
The people who are sincere are the ones who get hurt.
There's nowhere to hide if nothing is hidden
But hidden, you are all alone.
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