the drive

Iridescent strips of asphalt mimic the sky, or at least attempt to. Their mottled glimmers glisten in the newfound sun. As the foreboding clouds traverse on, they leave every surface moist and clean. The warmth softly dries wherever it brushes.

Stream of Consciousness Imagery 1-

It is dark. The Romeo and Juliet theme drones from the corner. The pressure is up high on the shower head. It is warm, the water, and it tingles- the air is very cold. The air conditioner is also up too high. Actually, so is the volume. Hello, Bon Iver. No, you can't make me love you if I don't. The soft but used towel feels safe against the draft. The vent is stuck open, otherwise it would be have been permanently shut months ago. Yes, Frank, night and day. Air conditioning is an unfortunate necessity. The bed is wet from dripping drops dripping all over the blanket. The sheets need to actually be put on the bed. This blanket needs to be washed. Everything in this room is a reminder of the past, even though most of it is new. It's a reminder of what used to be in that corner, on that table, out that window. In that alley. In this town. Nothing feels safe here. It's not even that there is cause for insecurity. It is that so much has happened here that makes a person vulnerable. How can anyone feel anything but insecure in a place of memory? Sounds follow everywhere, but they can be turned off. Smells can be left behind. Tastes avoided. But sights are still there when eyes are closed and places are inevitably returned to in memory. Memories can never be completely forgotten. Love never leaves and it stands the test of time even when it isn't desired.

-Wednesday, June 19, 2013
1010 South St.

Urgation

Am I just fun to laugh with or am I likable?
Am I dateable is what I want to ask.
Or am I just another friend?
I want to be liked and like back.
To be friends and yet more.
Those relationships drive a person.

The Girl.

"The Girl"

I wish I could do better by you, 
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work

While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.

The girl was me.

to forget

"Yes. Forever, yes."
I meant it. I'll never know if he did.
Does forever really meant that?
Did it then?
It meant forever to me, and now I'm struggling with it not being so.
Forever?
It can't really be promised
Forever.
The promise was empty
I took it for full
He was on a pedestal and I let hime stay there
He still is
"the best person I know"

Why do I have to misery in the possibility that he never loved me?
Why do I have to regret such a beautiful thing?
Past words haunt me now



To forget.

You said I'd be better off without you.
Look at me now, idiot.

1/8/13

Will I live to see the third anniversary, the tenth? Will I always feel the same? 

I pray not. 

When the hearts yearns, but for what is extinct

The mind goes on as before

The body goes on as it can

The soul remains in the place where it was happiest.

In love was that place

Now no longer, but in love remains the dreaming.

Drowning in nonexistent troubles and worries

That can never be fulfilled.

The solution is no longer possible,

So the mind must find a way to disguise the pain.

Sleep remedies when one is tired

But the hours spent awake in the night,

Free from sleep are the worst of them all.

Theses hours are where memory is king

And reality its pawn.

Movable, changeable, unreal.

Struggling for happiness

Desperate to feel again.

Longing for a shadow of that taste of joy

That is no longer possible

Left behind in a  world that keeps moving

When all that is wanted is solid ground.

It is never spoken of, never addressed.

It is of the past

They say

Move on

What they do not understand is that for me it was real

And still is

He does not even realize that

I am afriad of never loving like that ever again

And  am losing everything because of it.

I have nowhere to turn, even to Him.

He may love me,

but I am not worthy of it.

Love is not supposed to make us feel worthless

dirty

unecessary

But love that is cast aside is more painful than a knife to the throat,

for it is not forgotten.

“Once one truly loves, that is never lost to them.”

His words haunt me now

If only he knew the truth of them then.

If only I had

I would not have allowed myself to fall so entirely.

I wish I could say he lost me

And he is the worst for it

But he left me in ruins.

I cannot be as I was

And no one would want what I am now.

He may e happy

But he can never make me happy again.

I hate wallowing in my own misery

But it is not misery.

It’s pain, hurt, and love.

A romantic would call it a broken heart.

I was once a romantic.

Now I wish the word never existed.

To feel alive again.

Really truly alive and blissfully happy.