You said I'd be better off without you.
Look at me now, idiot.

1/8/13

Will I live to see the third anniversary, the tenth? Will I always feel the same? 

I pray not. 

When the hearts yearns, but for what is extinct

The mind goes on as before

The body goes on as it can

The soul remains in the place where it was happiest.

In love was that place

Now no longer, but in love remains the dreaming.

Drowning in nonexistent troubles and worries

That can never be fulfilled.

The solution is no longer possible,

So the mind must find a way to disguise the pain.

Sleep remedies when one is tired

But the hours spent awake in the night,

Free from sleep are the worst of them all.

Theses hours are where memory is king

And reality its pawn.

Movable, changeable, unreal.

Struggling for happiness

Desperate to feel again.

Longing for a shadow of that taste of joy

That is no longer possible

Left behind in a  world that keeps moving

When all that is wanted is solid ground.

It is never spoken of, never addressed.

It is of the past

They say

Move on

What they do not understand is that for me it was real

And still is

He does not even realize that

I am afriad of never loving like that ever again

And  am losing everything because of it.

I have nowhere to turn, even to Him.

He may love me,

but I am not worthy of it.

Love is not supposed to make us feel worthless

dirty

unecessary

But love that is cast aside is more painful than a knife to the throat,

for it is not forgotten.

“Once one truly loves, that is never lost to them.”

His words haunt me now

If only he knew the truth of them then.

If only I had

I would not have allowed myself to fall so entirely.

I wish I could say he lost me

And he is the worst for it

But he left me in ruins.

I cannot be as I was

And no one would want what I am now.

He may e happy

But he can never make me happy again.

I hate wallowing in my own misery

But it is not misery.

It’s pain, hurt, and love.

A romantic would call it a broken heart.

I was once a romantic.

Now I wish the word never existed.

To feel alive again.

Really truly alive and blissfully happy.