a finding from emotions past

the breeze flits the trees leaves softly
my feet digging in to the dirt I cant try not to think about you
this roads gotten far too long
this hole in my hearts still aching
as I amble under the stars
you're so far away from here 
but you see the same twinkles
I'm sending you wishes by moonlight post
the stars find the way back to you
so I don't have to
an I miss you. 
there's no time to rest 
daydreams become reality
even as I step 
each footprint I leave behind 
makes an imprint 
on someone Ill never know I changed 
I must be happy in my own way
not the way I'm reading
jump the path
I'm running 
to you
I have no way to know where you are
just my piecey heart
but she knows more than I. 

numbness overcome

When you do something because you are numb and want to feel

Even though you know you shouldn't. 

And you feel ashamed but don't know how else to cope. 

When you're hurting and need a release from the pain,

When nothing helps

And everything just becomes a momentary distraction from reality. 

When pain and hurt become reality 

The only reality

stuck

I remember that moment so vividly. 

I know now

That I knew then

At that moment

That I couldn't stay with you 

Or even near to you

That hateful moment haunts me now

I don't hate you

I feel sorry for you. 

But I let you push me 

For far too long

I left you, 

And now 

all I have left 

of us

is myself and that hateful moment. 

Sincerity 

is being honest

completely honest with another person

meaning what you say

or do

or show

Sincerity is so important

in relationships

dealing with any and every person

and just

but what becomes clear is that sincerity is loving  another person

and giving them what they are owed

Being sincere is giving

just as loving is giving

And although love is "all we need"

Without sincerity, love could be an empty promise.

a thought, expanded.

Sheep are so perfect for portraying mankind
They're dumb
ugly
and coarse,
but they give parts of themselves
and from that are made beautiful things
they need each other
must be constantly guided
by a Good Shepherd
and they do not realize
how they are cared for
so much
and loved.
They are weak
vulnerable
cannot see what is right in front of them.
some are eaten by wolves
some are wounded
some never live past childhood
But each has a purpose
They are all loved
Loved immeasurably
Loved by the Good Shepherd
Loved more than they could ever imagine
And like those sheep,
we are ungrateful and run away
run away from the love
the care
the Good Shepherd,
without whom, we are ugly

But he
in His goodness
does all that He can to bring
us all back into
the realization
of
His
Love.

Untitled

I think back on the time I wore your ring
I thought that I was yours, you were my everything.
And now here I am, a year has passed
I never thought that joy I felt just wouldn't last.

I'm not your girl anymore,
You're not my guy.
The dream that was the dream of us
is now, just you and I.
I don't even think about you anymore.
But is that so wrong?
Is that so wrong?

You left me sudden, cold, and quickly.
I felt the pain, I hurt, and oh, I cried.
But When the hurt was gone their was a new me,
A strong me,
The girl that I'd been waiting for
A girl grown up an ready for her life
To begin

I'm not your girl anymore,

You're not my guy.

The dream that was the dream of us

is now, just you and I.

I don't even think about you anymore.

But is that so wrong?

Is that so wrong?

I'm not your girl.

I'm mine.

loved like crazy

There is nothing I shall want.
Nothing.
No. Thing.

This is crazy. I can't believe I'm even thinking this way.
What is wrong with me

I'm going crazy.
Nothing shall I want?
No thing shall I want?

Yes, nothing shall I want.
I am crazy.

I am loved like crazy.
And it's wonderful.

okay.

I'm finally okay. 

I think I found my end

In all of this. 

I'm over it. 

Okay. 

Not over you,

Because it can't 

Disappear that fast 

Something, anything, close

To love does not just

Disappear

You're moving on

And it's okay

I'm gonna be okay

Even though I love you

No,

Care about you 

oh so very much

I know you weren't

The one 

And I'll be okay 

Yeah I'll be fine 

I'm finally be okay 

And moving on

and then I'm done

I'm gonna let myself cry one last time

To let go

And I need to cry 

To be hurt

To heal

And to become whole again. 

Because I loved him

And I think he loved me

And I'm so sorry 

That was the end 

Right then 

So soon

I never meant to hurt you

I never wanted you to feel so bad

I didn't want to leave you

You turned around and let me walk away 

You pushed me gently

In the right direction

I can't thank you enough 

And so I'm letting one more teardrop fall

For the beauty that was us

And the hurt

The sadness

Strife. 

So I've cried for the last time. 

March 2012

I'm a mess. 

I can't think, can't write, can't communicate, and don't want to. 

I'm sick, tired, lazy, and worn out. 

I don't want to eat, but eat too much. 

I need sleep, and stay up late every night. 

I'm sad, but I can't cry. 

I'm angry, but I won't yell. 

I need help, but prayers won't come. 

goodbye

I still remember how much that last kiss tasted like goodbye. 

How you held me so differently, 

As if you knew it was the last time. 

And now I know you did. 

I remember how happy I was in your arms that first time. 

And how sad I am now that I'm not. 

But we knew it was better to end it all 

We knew it was wrong to stay

We knew it was hard, but worth it

Its the right thing

But I can't help but miss you 

Your arms around my waist so tight I can't breathe

Your hand become one with mine 

And your smile when you saw me

It makes me so sad

That I still remember that love that I felt

And how wonderful 

How wonderful 

How much that last kiss tasted 

Like goodbye

4/3/12

4/3/12

Holes, stabbed through the wall an if by a pencil through a navy paper

Light brighter on the other side,

Gushing into my world

Spots, glimpses of her face, a pointillism of beauty

She, blinded by the darkness

Cannot see my yearning face

I, though desperate, speak not a word. 

I know she is mine, though I am never to hold her again. 

It is with her love I go on. 

Smile

You make me smile.
Yeah, you.
No one in particular, just you, the one that made my day today
or any day.
You're the reason it's easier to live.
I appreciate you.

So this is me saying thank you.
Thank you.

it's been a long time....till forever

I knod of wish all this had never happened. I kind of wish I'd have asked you to stay.
I'll never really know if you loved me,
And now I have to deal with feeling this way
all the time
It's kinda like I'm empty
Even though I am full
I have people all around me who love me
and make sure I'm okay.
You'll never know how I felt
Watching you walk away
I'll never know what made you decide not to stay.

But it's all right
I'm okay
This is a part of life,
and I'm living mine
I'll gonna be okay
I'll find someone someday,
and I'll forget this feeling
I'm dealing with
And although I'll move
I never forget you.

Miss me

Do you ever miss it?

Do you ever miss that feeling,
You reach out and I'm not there;
You need help and no one really cares.
Do you ever miss that moment
When you look me in the eyes;
When you know that this is it, 
that this is real. 
Do you ever miss knowing I'll be waiting at the door,
Do you ever miss me being there for sure,
No matter anything.....

Do you ever miss my loving kiss,
The warm, embracing happiness
That fills your body and your very soul.
The times we'd sit there with each other,
Say we'd never want another
Do you miss believing I was it?

Cuz I miss you, I miss you. 

The way we'd cuddle up 
and it'd
be just like we were made to fit
You'd fall asleep upon my lap,
The times that we'd just laugh and laugh
And laugh for hours on end. 
You were my best friend. 
I haven't seen you in a while
It's been forever since I saw your glowing smile. 

Do you ever miss my loving kiss
The warm, embracing happiness
That fills your body and your very soul 
The times we just held each another,
Said we'd never want another
Do you miss believing I was it?

Cuz I miss you, I miss you. 

So now you've got another girl
So go on and make her your world
Give her everything you've got and more. 
Just do make sure you're good to her
Treat her well, just making sure
She's happy, and you are too. 
But most of all, make her dreams come true.

I know you're gone, you're movin on, 
You don't need me 
or any silly memories
But
Before I go, I need to know

Do you ever miss my loving kiss
The warm, embracing happiness
That fills your body and your very soul 
The times we'd sit and hold each other
Say we'd never want another
Do you miss believing I was it?

Cuz I miss you, I miss you. 

I don't want you back

Why did you do this? 
You went from saying you couldn't live without me to leaving me behind in a month. 
Don't get me wrong, I don't want you back, but why did you have to do it that way?
If you ever loved me, couldn't you have had enough concern for my heart? My feelings? My dreams got shattered too, you know. 
Why did you have to make me angry at you?
What made you not want it anymore? 
I just want to know why you gave up.
I just want to know the truth.

I've never felt as beautiful as I did the day you broke up with me.

Go ahead, hurt me.

I waited for you. 
I risked everything. 
My family, friends. 
I waited up all night every night just wanting to be awake when you called. 
I told you everything. 
I trusted you. 
I loved you. 
I wore your tags faithfully through those six months. 
And your ring these last five. 
I was in more than a year long relationship with you, and only with you for two months. 
I hurt for you. 
I lived for you. 
I sent you a letter almost every day for months upon end. 
And emails every day when you were gone. 
I gave you my first kiss. 
Exactly one year ago. 



Not enough for you, huh?
I'm someone that can be thrown aside on a whim, huh? 
For a girl you just met?
You'd trade that for someone who'd die for you, who'd give anything for you, and who'd be loyal to the end?
Well, I guess that was the end. 

Oh well. 
You'll do a better job of beating yourself up than I ever could when you figure out what you've done. 

I hope you see this

You asshole. 
I can't believe I trusted you. You knew everything about me. I was willing to do anything for you. I was ready to wait three years for you. 
I was engaged to you. 
And you tossed me aside for a crush. 
I can't believe I believed all your sweet little emails, your loving words. 
Were they all fake too?
Was our entire relationship a sham?
And you waited a whole week before dating someone else. 
Classy, dude. 
I hope she breaks your heart like you've broken mine. 

Over

It doesn't hurt that we're done. 
It hurts you gave up. 
I'm trying not to do the same. 
I'm afraid I'll be afraid of love. 
I'm having to put my trust in things I've never trusted before.