Urgation

Am I just fun to laugh with or am I likable?
Am I dateable is what I want to ask.
Or am I just another friend?
I want to be liked and like back.
To be friends and yet more.
Those relationships drive a person.

The Girl.

"The Girl"

I wish I could do better by you, 
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work

While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.

The girl was me.

to forget

"Yes. Forever, yes."
I meant it. I'll never know if he did.
Does forever really meant that?
Did it then?
It meant forever to me, and now I'm struggling with it not being so.
Forever?
It can't really be promised
Forever.
The promise was empty
I took it for full
He was on a pedestal and I let hime stay there
He still is
"the best person I know"

Why do I have to misery in the possibility that he never loved me?
Why do I have to regret such a beautiful thing?
Past words haunt me now



To forget.

You said I'd be better off without you.
Look at me now, idiot.

1/8/13

Will I live to see the third anniversary, the tenth? Will I always feel the same? 

I pray not. 

When the hearts yearns, but for what is extinct

The mind goes on as before

The body goes on as it can

The soul remains in the place where it was happiest.

In love was that place

Now no longer, but in love remains the dreaming.

Drowning in nonexistent troubles and worries

That can never be fulfilled.

The solution is no longer possible,

So the mind must find a way to disguise the pain.

Sleep remedies when one is tired

But the hours spent awake in the night,

Free from sleep are the worst of them all.

Theses hours are where memory is king

And reality its pawn.

Movable, changeable, unreal.

Struggling for happiness

Desperate to feel again.

Longing for a shadow of that taste of joy

That is no longer possible

Left behind in a  world that keeps moving

When all that is wanted is solid ground.

It is never spoken of, never addressed.

It is of the past

They say

Move on

What they do not understand is that for me it was real

And still is

He does not even realize that

I am afriad of never loving like that ever again

And  am losing everything because of it.

I have nowhere to turn, even to Him.

He may love me,

but I am not worthy of it.

Love is not supposed to make us feel worthless

dirty

unecessary

But love that is cast aside is more painful than a knife to the throat,

for it is not forgotten.

“Once one truly loves, that is never lost to them.”

His words haunt me now

If only he knew the truth of them then.

If only I had

I would not have allowed myself to fall so entirely.

I wish I could say he lost me

And he is the worst for it

But he left me in ruins.

I cannot be as I was

And no one would want what I am now.

He may e happy

But he can never make me happy again.

I hate wallowing in my own misery

But it is not misery.

It’s pain, hurt, and love.

A romantic would call it a broken heart.

I was once a romantic.

Now I wish the word never existed.

To feel alive again.

Really truly alive and blissfully happy.

A year later.

Praying for you tonight.
Hope you're doing well.
I realized I miss you.
Not the you you are now,
But the you that was mine.
We could have worked.
We would have made it,
if you hadn't left.
See, I'm proud of you,
For protecting our country,
But you left me behind when you did.
And now you're not the same you.
The you you are now loves her.
And that's great.
I'm happy for you.
I don't want you now.
I want you then.

Sincerity stream

She's careful not to flirt with anyone.
She's saving her heart for the one.
She feels lonely, tired, left out.
He flirts with any and every girl.
Treats them all like they're his shining star.
But he's really being the best he can be for each of them.
There are people who are affectionate to everyone, or no one.
Neither way is wrong or right
Just misunderstood.

There's something wrong about it all.
Harsh to let the good ones suffer.
The wrong ones are fine
not saying that anyone deserves to suffer,
but they do.

The people who are sincere are the ones who get hurt.
There's nowhere to hide if nothing is hidden
But hidden, you are all alone.

Dear Mom, love, your college student.

I love you so much.

I wish you knew that what I need from you right now

Is not what I’m getting.

You want to tell me what to do,

I want you to tell me I can do anything.

You want to make sure I’m healthy,

I want you to make sure I’m happy.

I want to miss you.

I do miss you,

But I find myself avoiding you at all costs,

Even from afar.

You’re a thousand miles away

And I find myself letting the distance separate us,

Wanting us to be distant.

I can’t ask you to change

 Because I love you

But I want you to someday

Appreciate me for me,

And not worry about the rest.

You don’t need the worry,

And we don’t need to fight.

I love you so much.

A Reflection on Physical Education.

Forty-five minute slide show of rules & policies,
"summarizing" what was told to us
the first ten minutes of class.
Twenty minute talk telling us proper
usage of weights as previously
described in slideshow.
Twenty minutes of free gym.
       Watched seven pick-up basketball games.
       Talked for people, made up voices and
       conversations they'd be having.
       Squeaky voices are the best.
An utter success, no?

(This is really old. I just found it and thought I'd type it in.)

a finding from emotions past

the breeze flits the trees leaves softly
my feet digging in to the dirt I cant try not to think about you
this roads gotten far too long
this hole in my hearts still aching
as I amble under the stars
you're so far away from here 
but you see the same twinkles
I'm sending you wishes by moonlight post
the stars find the way back to you
so I don't have to
an I miss you. 
there's no time to rest 
daydreams become reality
even as I step 
each footprint I leave behind 
makes an imprint 
on someone Ill never know I changed 
I must be happy in my own way
not the way I'm reading
jump the path
I'm running 
to you
I have no way to know where you are
just my piecey heart
but she knows more than I. 

numbness overcome

When you do something because you are numb and want to feel

Even though you know you shouldn't. 

And you feel ashamed but don't know how else to cope. 

When you're hurting and need a release from the pain,

When nothing helps

And everything just becomes a momentary distraction from reality. 

When pain and hurt become reality 

The only reality

stuck

I remember that moment so vividly. 

I know now

That I knew then

At that moment

That I couldn't stay with you 

Or even near to you

That hateful moment haunts me now

I don't hate you

I feel sorry for you. 

But I let you push me 

For far too long

I left you, 

And now 

all I have left 

of us

is myself and that hateful moment. 

Sincerity 

is being honest

completely honest with another person

meaning what you say

or do

or show

Sincerity is so important

in relationships

dealing with any and every person

and just

but what becomes clear is that sincerity is loving  another person

and giving them what they are owed

Being sincere is giving

just as loving is giving

And although love is "all we need"

Without sincerity, love could be an empty promise.

a thought, expanded.

Sheep are so perfect for portraying mankind
They're dumb
ugly
and coarse,
but they give parts of themselves
and from that are made beautiful things
they need each other
must be constantly guided
by a Good Shepherd
and they do not realize
how they are cared for
so much
and loved.
They are weak
vulnerable
cannot see what is right in front of them.
some are eaten by wolves
some are wounded
some never live past childhood
But each has a purpose
They are all loved
Loved immeasurably
Loved by the Good Shepherd
Loved more than they could ever imagine
And like those sheep,
we are ungrateful and run away
run away from the love
the care
the Good Shepherd,
without whom, we are ugly

But he
in His goodness
does all that He can to bring
us all back into
the realization
of
His
Love.

Untitled

I think back on the time I wore your ring
I thought that I was yours, you were my everything.
And now here I am, a year has passed
I never thought that joy I felt just wouldn't last.

I'm not your girl anymore,
You're not my guy.
The dream that was the dream of us
is now, just you and I.
I don't even think about you anymore.
But is that so wrong?
Is that so wrong?

You left me sudden, cold, and quickly.
I felt the pain, I hurt, and oh, I cried.
But When the hurt was gone their was a new me,
A strong me,
The girl that I'd been waiting for
A girl grown up an ready for her life
To begin

I'm not your girl anymore,

You're not my guy.

The dream that was the dream of us

is now, just you and I.

I don't even think about you anymore.

But is that so wrong?

Is that so wrong?

I'm not your girl.

I'm mine.

loved like crazy

There is nothing I shall want.
Nothing.
No. Thing.

This is crazy. I can't believe I'm even thinking this way.
What is wrong with me

I'm going crazy.
Nothing shall I want?
No thing shall I want?

Yes, nothing shall I want.
I am crazy.

I am loved like crazy.
And it's wonderful.

okay.

I'm finally okay. 

I think I found my end

In all of this. 

I'm over it. 

Okay. 

Not over you,

Because it can't 

Disappear that fast 

Something, anything, close

To love does not just

Disappear

You're moving on

And it's okay

I'm gonna be okay

Even though I love you

No,

Care about you 

oh so very much

I know you weren't

The one 

And I'll be okay 

Yeah I'll be fine 

I'm finally be okay 

And moving on

and then I'm done

I'm gonna let myself cry one last time

To let go

And I need to cry 

To be hurt

To heal

And to become whole again. 

Because I loved him

And I think he loved me

And I'm so sorry 

That was the end 

Right then 

So soon

I never meant to hurt you

I never wanted you to feel so bad

I didn't want to leave you

You turned around and let me walk away 

You pushed me gently

In the right direction

I can't thank you enough 

And so I'm letting one more teardrop fall

For the beauty that was us

And the hurt

The sadness

Strife. 

So I've cried for the last time. 

March 2012

I'm a mess. 

I can't think, can't write, can't communicate, and don't want to. 

I'm sick, tired, lazy, and worn out. 

I don't want to eat, but eat too much. 

I need sleep, and stay up late every night. 

I'm sad, but I can't cry. 

I'm angry, but I won't yell. 

I need help, but prayers won't come. 

goodbye

I still remember how much that last kiss tasted like goodbye. 

How you held me so differently, 

As if you knew it was the last time. 

And now I know you did. 

I remember how happy I was in your arms that first time. 

And how sad I am now that I'm not. 

But we knew it was better to end it all 

We knew it was wrong to stay

We knew it was hard, but worth it

Its the right thing

But I can't help but miss you 

Your arms around my waist so tight I can't breathe

Your hand become one with mine 

And your smile when you saw me

It makes me so sad

That I still remember that love that I felt

And how wonderful 

How wonderful 

How much that last kiss tasted 

Like goodbye