mommy

I can't find a break from it. 
no solace
He helps, but it never leaves
I almost wish myself away
at times
recently 

never before 

momentary glimpses of freedom only exist in the worn out memories of the distant past. 
I had a mother for ten years of my life. 
where did she go? 
not here 
anywhere but here. 
I'm hurting. I want her to comfort me, 
to hold me and ask what's wrong. 
I want her to be able to listen to my pain
I don't think she's capable of five minutes. 
just five minutes. 
I would take my mom back for five minutes
if that's all I could have. 
I would tell her I love her, 
I miss her 
I want her back
I would just hug her, knowing she cared
and she'd hold me, 
rocking back and forth
not having to go yell at someone,
not having to vacuum when I need to talk
not interrupting a heart to heart to talk on the phone to a friend she saw moments ago. 
to be my mom again. 
five minutes.