I don't want you back

Why did you do this? 
You went from saying you couldn't live without me to leaving me behind in a month. 
Don't get me wrong, I don't want you back, but why did you have to do it that way?
If you ever loved me, couldn't you have had enough concern for my heart? My feelings? My dreams got shattered too, you know. 
Why did you have to make me angry at you?
What made you not want it anymore? 
I just want to know why you gave up.
I just want to know the truth.

I've never felt as beautiful as I did the day you broke up with me.

Go ahead, hurt me.

I waited for you. 
I risked everything. 
My family, friends. 
I waited up all night every night just wanting to be awake when you called. 
I told you everything. 
I trusted you. 
I loved you. 
I wore your tags faithfully through those six months. 
And your ring these last five. 
I was in more than a year long relationship with you, and only with you for two months. 
I hurt for you. 
I lived for you. 
I sent you a letter almost every day for months upon end. 
And emails every day when you were gone. 
I gave you my first kiss. 
Exactly one year ago. 



Not enough for you, huh?
I'm someone that can be thrown aside on a whim, huh? 
For a girl you just met?
You'd trade that for someone who'd die for you, who'd give anything for you, and who'd be loyal to the end?
Well, I guess that was the end. 

Oh well. 
You'll do a better job of beating yourself up than I ever could when you figure out what you've done. 

I hope you see this

You asshole. 
I can't believe I trusted you. You knew everything about me. I was willing to do anything for you. I was ready to wait three years for you. 
I was engaged to you. 
And you tossed me aside for a crush. 
I can't believe I believed all your sweet little emails, your loving words. 
Were they all fake too?
Was our entire relationship a sham?
And you waited a whole week before dating someone else. 
Classy, dude. 
I hope she breaks your heart like you've broken mine. 

Over

It doesn't hurt that we're done. 
It hurts you gave up. 
I'm trying not to do the same. 
I'm afraid I'll be afraid of love. 
I'm having to put my trust in things I've never trusted before. 

So...

I miss this guy.
He's kinda the person myworld revolves around.
He's kinda part of who I am.
He's kinda amazing
This guy and I have kinda been together a year now.
And I'm kinda been together a year now.
And I kinda can't wait till we're together forever.
He's 4000 miles away and I still feel his love.
I kinda wish we could talk, babe
I kinda sorta love you.

Journal #5 Who is the best person you know?

The best person I know.

A huge question, right?
How can one choose the best?

He's amazingly kind.
Selfless, caring, and a charming man. He's helped me through so much. He's affected me in every facet of my life. And I mean EVERY facet. He's brought me closer to God without trying. He's the best friend I could ask for.
He's also the best lover I could ask for.
You know how there are all those people who effect you in little ways or moments throughout life?
Then for most people there is one person who changed their life forever.
I wouldn't be me without him. I wouldn't thinly he way I do, or love the way I do, or even have the same dreams.
I am blessed enough to have my special person be my best friend, my confidant, my lover, and my future husband.
And he is the best person I know.

Journal #3 what I believe.

I believe in my faith, in prayer, in hope, and in trust.
I believe in the power of family; family that supports, lobes, takes care of, and pushes you where you need to go. Families tell you when you're wrong and comfort to when you're upset. A family always loves. And families do not need to be related by blood.
I believe in being yourself. You are the only you on this earth. Don't try to be someone else. Explore your ownmind; your thoughts are as unique as your fingerprints and they're all yours.
I believe in beige creative. This is even when you have to lock yourself up in a quiet room. make something beautiful and THEN show it to the world.
I believein expression. This goes along with creativity, but also includes emotion and and style. Don't hide how you feel
Dress the way you like, what ever floats your boat
I believe in passion. Live passionately. Love passionately.
I believe in love. Real love. Charity. Love for the homeless. For your friends, yourfamily and a special love for that one special person. That last love that goes on through a legacy of children and grandchildren.

Journal #2 what do I want?

I want to be fulfilled. I want to make a place were I belong and where I feel at hone. I want to have a family of my own. I want to love to the extent of my ability. I want tolive out that love openly every day. I want to know I stopped and smelled the roses, and maybe missed the train, but also that I don't mind. I want to make myself someone worth having as a friend, a wife, or a mother. I want to enjoy even the smallest things. I want to learn to trust God, an learn to pray with an open heart. I want to know I did my best in everything, whether school, relationships, or making dinner.
I want to be happy.

Journal #1 who am I?

I am a liver. I am a passionate liver.
Not the organ.
I am a person who goes through life living it, not wanting for it to go by so that something better can come along. I don't believe in the downs of a rainy day. There is some good the can come out of everything. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything teaches you something you needed to learn.
I am a lover. I love to love, to look at people through unbiased eyes and see they're true beauty.
I am no a perfectionist. I don't go with the flow, I lazily backstroke upstream and stay true to myself.
I am not afraid of change. Most of the time.
I am creative. Imaginative. I still daydream on a regular basis. It's good for me.
I am an introvert. I don't always say what's on my mind, but I'm always thinking something. I am an artist. I love to create beauty, through mediums.like fabric, beads, paint, or words.
I am a listener. I learn by listening,watching, and most importantly, doing.
I am unique. But so is everyone, right?
There is no other me.
So I am as me as I can get.
I'm always me.
I love being me.

11:11,
You made me dream
You gave me a hope
I have my dream now

Thanks, buddy.

yup.

I saw a half eaten Mcdonald's hamburger on the side of the road today.
I'm in Rome and it made me sad
That I could actually tell it was a Mcdonald's hamburger.
That's all for now.

THe Roman Forum.

Standing in the company of the spirits of the old great,

ever present,

world changing

men

taking in the dusty air of the ground they walked.

Thinking the same thoughts?

Filter in the wisdom, but their mistakes,

must be

avoided.

History rhymes, as another great said.

Don't fall the same way twice.

Cuz that cobblestone is pretty slick

and rough

trippidaisical.

You know....

You know,
When people say long distance relationships don't ever work out, point us out.
When someone says a girl can't find the one at the age of seventeen, point us out.
When that cynic says there is no such thing as "true love" point us out.

We're real. We're true to each other. And more committed than most couples I've seen. We're both under twenty. We're young. But we want a family. Kids, life, the whole bit.
We love unconditionally.
And we'll go through anything to finally be able to never have to part again.
Yes, someone can be worth it.
He is.

Words intermingled with sweet kisses,
Forever
Always
Believe
It's you
I can't

Until the sun rises, and we slip back in.

Yes.
Forever, yes.

Prayer

You brought us together. Show us why.

You're impress permanently into my mind
You never leave
I'm okay with that
You're my guardian angel
Always present in spirit
No body
You're in another place
And I don't know if you can hear me.
Thought-speaking constantly
I feel your presence.
Tingles through my being
Often accompany daydreams
Sometimes alone
Don't leave me completely.
I couldn't make it.

Last words.

I love you forever.
With all that I have
You've made me someone I like to be
My life has meaning now
Thank you
I love you
Write soon
Ad never forget
How much I love you
I have to go
I love you

Goodbye

Bye

R&J;B&C

They will never understand.
Why do I love him?
I can't explain, tree are no words.
So apparently I don't.
But I DO.
I love him for him
For the two kle in his eyes
When he sees Mee
To the way his laughter squeaks
When he's excited.
And the way he makes me feel
Without saying a word.
He's humble, jolly, jovial,
Generous, kind, compassionate,
Sincere, and not to mention good looking.
And he loves me more than I could ever love him.
They don't want to understand.

If I'm not back in twenty minutes, pretend I was never here, like a  
game of hide-n-seek that never stops I'm caught in between a rock and  
rest of my life. Who'd have thought I'd be the one lost, I was so sure  
of everything. Turns out I was wronger than Marilyn when she said  
diamonds are girls best friend. Bright blue eyelash glue, not really  
worth anything. Mine supported me through everything, but what I  
really need is some criticism and a waffle to brighten things up. Like  
a rollercoaster sunset, up and down, can't decide whether it's setting  
or rising. I'd grab on but it's hard with my rectangular fingertips.  
I'm clumsy; it makes thing interesting but not any easier.

Surrounded.

With every epitome of a moment
A minuscule eddy of a thought 
Comes with the flicker of a movement
She feels safe nowhere but here
Surrounded
Warmth seeking her very core
Her round breasts just peaking the surface
Two icebergs to the monument of her life
The only bit brave enough to face the chills
Of the real world
Where her thoughts are her own
In the companion of her own soul
She finds peace. 

mommy

I can't find a break from it. 
no solace
He helps, but it never leaves
I almost wish myself away
at times
recently 

never before 

momentary glimpses of freedom only exist in the worn out memories of the distant past. 
I had a mother for ten years of my life. 
where did she go? 
not here 
anywhere but here. 
I'm hurting. I want her to comfort me, 
to hold me and ask what's wrong. 
I want her to be able to listen to my pain
I don't think she's capable of five minutes. 
just five minutes. 
I would take my mom back for five minutes
if that's all I could have. 
I would tell her I love her, 
I miss her 
I want her back
I would just hug her, knowing she cared
and she'd hold me, 
rocking back and forth
not having to go yell at someone,
not having to vacuum when I need to talk
not interrupting a heart to heart to talk on the phone to a friend she saw moments ago. 
to be my mom again. 
five minutes. 

venting for once. it doesn't help.

I'm sitting here, stuffing my face with jujyfruits because I'm trying to distract my self from the backstabbing mother I seem to have. seriously, I don't think I can handle much more. this can't be healthy. my stomach hurts. she calls me names and puts me down in front of my brothers and sisters, and let's them treat me terribly, but when I try to tell someone in the family anything I get told I'm a witch and to stop having a bad attitude. most of the time I'm trying to help someone and I get punished! I really don't think I can take any more of this. I have another school year to go, and lemme tell you, I'm getting as far away from here as I can. she's driven me away. I've almost given up on ever having a relationship with her. I almost want to hate her. she's not a mother. nurturing does not ever come from her. nor support. 
except financially. it's not worth the pain. she's not a mother. my stomach hurts. 

a letter to her soldier

hello darling.
I hope you are well. I pray for it every day. I am so proud of you.
and I love you so much. so much it almost hurts. every kiss I see a pang sounds in my heart, for in this separation, there is no physical contact. yet, I don't need it to love you.
I feel the deepest emotion of unrepressable love at every moment. I cannot breate without before thinking of you. it has come first in my mind even before living. only under God Himself.
I have your letter. it is the thing I have that you touched last. and it is fear to me. I kiss it, hoping you can somehow feel it. your dog tags are around my neck right now. they show how I am yours in a way different from a ring. I wear them, accepting everything about you, including your job. My soldier. My army. My nation.
you are doing a great thing, darling.
I am so proud of you.
I love you.

your love

.



I cant feel anything.
but your breath on my face
your fingers in my hair
this feeling rushing through my soul
I can feel.
the outside world's not real.

sometimes, when you look at me
I think I peer into your soul
totally
I see your thoughts your dreams you're everything.
I see me.
I see myself reflected in the love reflected in your eyes.
I see you.

I can't believe this at all
I never thought it would be here so soon
I wish this could never end.
but the sun rises, and a new day begins. 
and now you're gonna go away
so soon
I know you're coming back, but darling, please don't forget me
somehow I know you won't so soon

sometimes, when you look at me
I think I peer into your soul
totally
I see your thoughts your dreams your everything.
I see me.
I see myself reflected in the love reflected in your eyes.
I see you.

I can't imagine
living without you
anymore, I'd might as not live
I love you, my darling and my heart
is bursting with emotions that are true
and I'm yours
and you are mine.

I see me.
I see you.